Yesterday, my frustration with Babywatch came to a head. My controlling self just can’t seem to get over the fact that childbirth, particularly waiting for childbirth, is not something I can command.
Today, I’m doing a bit better. I’m trying to relax and shift my focus. The fam and I went out to the science museum yesterday afternoon to entertain Kiddo1 and for me to walk around a whole lot. We were there for about two and a half hours and I pretty much walked the entire time, pacing around Kiddo1 and Mr. Handsome as they stopped at various exhibits. That made me feel productive.
Baby2 has been kicking around a whole bunch lately. She pushes her little feet farther and farther out at my side. I love to tickle her feet and watch her pull them back. She flips between right- and left-facing once a day, too. Every morning she’s on a different side (she only seems to flip at night) and I rediscover where her feet are to know where she is. It’s a fun little game.
I scheduled an appointment with my midwife for tomorrow morning, which will hopefully give me some peace of mind. I’m asking for a cervical check which will either confirm that things are moving or confirm that I just need to wait it out. And you know what? If my parents get here (in six days) and there is no baby or I haven’t had my recovery time, they’ll just have to wait too. It is what it is.
In the evening we all took Max to the park and played soccer. The running and kicking made me feel more productive, plus it was another good time with the fam that got my mind off things.
I think part of my frustration comes from the fact that I’m not at work. Not only do I feel shitty because I’m not getting paid for this time off (until the delivery date, then my six weeks of maternity leave pay kicks in), but my mind seems to have no focus. I’m not in my normal routine. I’m not getting up early (although the sleeping until 8 has been fantastic!) I’m going to bed super late because I can’t sleep anyway (still no improvement on that front) and I have no set tasks for the day, no projects to finish, no schedule to keep. Sure, I like to be lazy as much the next guy, and I’ve spent a few mornings lounging on the sofa for a couple hours, but I like to have something to accomplish each day and right now I don’t have that.
With that recognition and the determination to do something each day, I’m feeling a little better. This morning, while it was still cool in the house, I made another batch of labor cookies. Baking usually relaxes me a little, in that it gives me something to focus on. This afternoon I’ll need to come up with an outside-the-house activity to do with the fam. I believe getting out of the house helps tremendously.
I’m feeling better today knowing that my sanity endures as long as I forget about the calendar and focus on what’s important: loving this pregnancy and my awesome family!